Support for Survivors

Sexual assault is an emotional shock, and most often considered (by those who work with people who have been sexually assaulted) a trauma.  Everyone who has been sexually assaulted has dealt with it differently. There is no "right way" of dealing with this. Each individual needs to do what seems right for him or her at the time. The most common feelings are a combination of emotions such as shock, confusion, fear, anger, helplessness, self-blame, guilt, embarrassment, shame, numbness, and disbelief. Whatever your reaction, please know that it is not uncommon to experience a mixture of uncomfortable feelings and thoughts after this type of trauma. Most survivors of sexual assault experience many of these feelings. With time, support, self-understanding, and self-compassion, the difficult or painful emotions you may be having will subside.

Sadly, every day in this country, at least 1,871 women are sexually assaulted. Studies indicate that approximately one in 4 women and one in 7 men will be sexually assaulted during their lifetimes.  Our Myths & Facts page includes a great deal of information that may be helpful to you.

Even if you didn’t fight back or say "no", it is still sexual assault if you did not consent to the sexual activity, or if you were impaired or unable to give consent (due to alcohol or drug use, illness, etc.). Remember, submission due to shock, fear, or other similar feelings is not the same thing as consent, or agreeing freely to participate in sexual activity.  You may find it helpful to read more about the issue of consent on our Understanding Consent  page.

In upwards of 80% of sexual assault cases the victim knows the offender. Only about 22% of all rapes are committed by a stranger.  The majority of sexual assaults occur in the home of the victim, a friend, relative, spouse/partner, or neighbor. It doesn’t matter if you knew each other, were dating, or were married. Without willing consent it is a sexual assault.

It Wasn’t Because of How You Dressed or Acted

Whatever you did to stay alive was exactly the right thing to do. In a physically threatening situation survival instincts take over. Even if there was no overt physical force, rapists use as much coercion, pressure, threats, or weapons necessary to control their victims.  You had very little time to decide what to do/how to respond.  And you are the only person who can judge whether or not your response was the right one-- you were there, facing a violent attack.  The bottom line is that, above all, you did what you had to do to survive. Many people submit to assault to keep from being hurt, killed or because they were afraid. Over two-thirds of rape victims, fearing injury or death, do not resist an attack and therefore may not sustain any bruises, marks or other visible injuries. 

If you have been sexually assaulted before, you may be having an especially difficult time coping. The effect of a new assault can compound any problems from prior experiences. Maybe you are thinking that it is something about you that invites these events, or that you deserve the assaults for some reason. No matter how many times you have been assaulted and no matter what the perpetrators may have told you, you do not deserve what has happened. NO ONE deserves to be the victim of an assault. Counseling can be especially helpful if you have experienced multiple sexual assaults.

1. Sexual assault is a crime that reduces the victim’s ability to feel in control of her or his own life. You can begin to reclaim your feeling of being in control of your life by making your own choices about how to proceed following an assault.

2. A sexual assault counselor or victim’s advocate can provide emotional support by being an objective listener, and can help you make informed choices by providing information about common reactions to the trauma of sexual violence, law enforcement procedures and legal issues.  If you live outside of Butler County, Ohio (United States) and are looking for help in your community, there are other United States centers and centers in other parts of the world.

3. It is important for you to understand that you are not to blame. Even if you made decisions you regret around the time of the assault (for example, using alcohol or drugs, or trusting the perpetrator), realize that those are simply decisions which made you  vulnerable.  It is not your fault that another person chose to take advantage of your vulnerability and commit a violent crime against you.

4. It is important to seek medical attention for possible injuries and to be screened and treated for the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.  Our Medical Information page has a great deal of information which may be of help to you.

5. If you are over 18, you are free to choose whether or not to make a report to police.

6. You may be eligible for Crime Victim’s Compensation to help you pay for medical, counseling and other expenses if you do report to police within 72 hours after the crime occurred (or in some cases longer- check with your local rape crisis center).

7. You have the choice to pursue prosecution of the perpetrator by making a report to the police. However, law enforcement or the Prosecuting Attorney’s office - not the survivor - will usually make the final decision about whether enough evidence is available to go forward with prosecution.  To learn more about your options, please see our Legal Information page.  Your local rape crisis center can help you through the legal process.  To learn about help in Butler County, please see our Law Enforcement Liaison page.

8. It may be helpful to seek counseling to help you heal from the trauma of sexual violence. Although many survivors simply want to forget about it and move on with their lives, they sometimes find that unresolved feelings create obstacles to moving on. It is never too late to talk about a past incident of sexual violence and begin healing.  In fact, some studies indicate that up to 50% of Americans who seek counseling or psychotherapy are survivors of sexual assault or childhood sexual abuse.

It is important to know that a marriage license or long-term (or short-term) relationship does not give anyone permission to demand or force sexual activity. Unfortunately, sexual assault happens within thousands of marriages and intimate partner relationships each year.  In fact, studies indicate that somewhere between 7-25% of married women are sexually assaulted at some point by their husbands.  Sexual abuse within marriage occurs when mutual consent for a sexual act is absent. Everyone has times when physical or sexual closeness is unwanted and, even within intimate relationships, that choice should be respected.

Sexual violence in marriage or long-term relationships often occurs along with other forms of violence and abuse. It is a way for a partner to exert control or power over the other. Domestic abuse refers to mental, physical, emotional, financial, and sexual abuse occurring within a family or close relationship. Domestic violence is an act used to gain power and control over the partner or family member. It is a serious and often life-threatening pattern of violence.  Rape crisis centers and domestic violence programs are available to help.

Please note:  If you are in an abusive relationship, you may wish to read information from the American Bar Association about how to protect your privacy/prevent your abuser from accessing records of your internet activity.        

Sexual contact without consent is sexual violence, regardless of the victim’s gender. Men often don’t think this could happen to them, but it can and, unfortunately, does. Sexual assault is extremely difficult for all victims, male as well as female. Because the majority of sexual assaults on men are by other men, male survivors often experience questions or confusion about their sexuality or sexual identity. Many survivors, male as well as female feel like their body has betrayed them by responding in some way to the sexual activity. It is not unusual for there to be confusion because physical responses did not match emotional reactions during the assault. This does not mean that the assault was enjoyable or that the victims are in any way responsible for what has happened.

Men who have been sexually assaulted often feel extremely embarrassed by what happened and may hesitate to talk to anyone or report it to law enforcement out of fear of ridicule or that they won’t be believed. Men deserve to have legal and emotional support just as do women. No one has the right to control and violate another’s body.

Men may need special support. There are several ways to get help:  You can call the rape crisis program in your area (remember the national hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE will link you to the closest center).  Some areas may also have a support group of male survivors to help with the healing process. Unfortunately this may not be available in all regions.  Your local rape crisis center can help you find out what your options are.

Consider doing some reading about the special issues of male survivors.  You may wish to check out our Support for Male Survivors page, or our Books & Videos page.

The most commonly used "date rape drug" is alcohol. It’s cheap, legal, easy to get, and most people drink it voluntarily. As a result, it is commonly used by perpetrators of sexual assault to make their victims more vulnerable. In large quantities, alcohol can have strong sedating effects, leaving anyone more vulnerable to assault. Even in small amounts, alcohol creates changes in our brain and nervous system functioning. These changes can impair judgment, causing people to make choices that would not be made if they were sober. Alcohol can also greatly decrease motor coordination, making it difficult for to have control over the body.

Perpetrators of sexual assault tend to look for vulnerable people. Persons with disabilities are 1.5 to 5 times more at risk of sexual abuse and assault as are members of the general population. More than 60,000 rapes of women older than 50 years of age are reported to law enforcement annually. As with other types of sexual assault, the assailant is typically someone known to the victim, such as a family member, caretaker, neighbor, or friend. Unfortunately, these types of assault are not rare. A senior or disabled individual has the right to be treated with respect for taking action and seeking resources. Emotional support and other kinds of assistance may be available from local agencies that advocate for persons who are elderly and/or have disabilities. It may be helpful to ask if there is a staff member experienced in working with sexual assault issues.

Gang rape is when two or more people commit a sexual assault. This can be especially terrifying and often involves physical as well as sexual violence. As with any other sexual assault the intention is aggression and domination, and additionally may be an initiation ritual to "bond" the members of a group. Survivors of gang rape are more likely to sustain physical injuries and may have heightened fears of retaliation if they report the sexual assault to the police.  Help is available.  if you are a survivor of this crime, please reach out and let others help you.

This is sexual assault or contact by any individual or group as a part of a cult or ritual activity. The violence perpetrated may be sexual, physical, and or emotional. Survivors may have been forced to have sexual contact or to assault another victim. It is similar to gang rape in that it may have the additional purpose of building solidarity within the group, and there may be a very real fear of violent retaliation for "telling". Again, medical and other resources can be very helpful. There are resources and people available to help who have experience and training with this type of abuse.

Survivors progress through stages of healing in different ways, which makes recovery unique for each individual. However, there are some reactions to trauma, and sexual assault in particular, that are common and normal. We hope that this section can help you to better understand what you may be experiencing. In the initial aftermath feelings may include confusion, anger, fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment, depression, loss of control, numbness or shock. You may have difficulty concentrating. Your thoughts may race. You may find yourself reviewing and re-living what occurred, or asking unending questions such as "why me?" Sleep disturbances, nightmares, and flashbacks of the assault are also common. Physical symptoms can include soreness, muscle tension, headaches, fatigue, and gynecological problems. It may seem like your whole life has been disrupted and is focused on the assault, especially if you are interacting with law enforcement during the initial stages of the investigation. Although these are normal reactions to trauma, they can be very distressing. Be gentle and patient with yourself, and do whatever you need to at this time to reclaim your life and feel safer After a few days or weeks, you may need to appear as if everything is fine. You may not want to talk about what happened and want to "just forget" that it happened. This can serve a useful purpose for a while. It can be a coping mechanism, allowing you to function in your life. Unfortunately, the reality is that we don’t usually really "forget". The discomfort may appear to be gone, but can re-emerge in unusual ways. Alternatively, you may feel preoccupied with thoughts about the assault. Either or both extremes, feeling overwhelmed or not feeling anything at all are not uncommon following a traumatic event. Again, taking small steps to return to "normal" life and focusing on self-care will promote recovery.

Other problems may appear that seem to be unrelated to the assault such as alcohol/drug problems, relationship problems, or depression. Disruption of normal sleeping patterns and nightmares are common. Physical concerns can develop such as digestive problems, headaches, and/or fatigue. You may notice that you experience unusual thoughts, feelings and/or behaviors; and that you may not be acting "like yourself". Some of these experiences may include:

Fear(s): Fear that the perpetrator may return, fear for your personal safety, and fear of being alone or of being with strangers. Fears can come and go and also may vary in intensity. Typically these will lessen with time.

Dealing with flashbacks, nightmares and intrusive memories

A possible reaction to trauma is to experience intense memories or even to "re-live" what happened. This reaction is very related to how our bodies and minds physically process traumatic events. How we store and remember traumatic information differs from storage and memory of events that are not traumatic.  These reactions can be a predictable response to the intensity of the event, and are often "triggered" by an event that reminds you of the trauma. Working intentionally and in a controlled way (small pieces at a time) with the thoughts and feelings related to the violence is one of the best ways of lessening the occurrence of these reactions. Many of the methods for coping with anxiety are also effective for dealing with flashbacks and intrusive memories. A counselor trained in the dynamics of trauma can be especially helpful.

Guilt and Self-Blame

You may struggle with thinking that if you had done something differently that this wouldn’t have happened; or you may experience a loss of trust in your own judgment. Know that even if you did have a lapse in judgment, that you still did not deserve to be victimized. Sexual violence is a very harsh penalty to pay for a moment of poor judgment. People who perpetrate sexual violence tend to be very manipulative and controlling, doing or saying whatever they think will help them to achieve their "conquest". They will try to place responsibility on their victims by insisting that the act was consensual or that the victim was in some way to blame for what happened. Work with regaining your sense of self-trust by learning about the dynamics of sexual violence. It can also be helpful to do some reading about sexual assault and recovery. A reading list is available on our Books & Videos page.

It can take weeks, months and even years to recover and emotionally integrate what has happened. There is no one right time-line. Eventually, as you move through the process of healing, the assault will change from being the central focus in your life to being something painful that occurred in the past. There may be times when thoughts and feelings related to the assault return. These can be "triggered" by such events as seeing a TV show about sexual assault, seeing a person who reminds you of the perpetrator, or being near the assault location. You may have thought you were "over it" only to be faced with the challenges of re-experiencing some of the effects of the trauma.

Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. Think about how you would like your best friend to be there for you at this time and then try to become your own best friend.  Seek out helping and caring resources. It may be difficult, but it is possible to reach out and let others help you.

Remember, recovery from sexual assault or violence is a process that is different for every individual, and there are no hard and fast time-lines or schedules for recovery.  It is common to simply want to forget the assault and push it behind you. At times you may need to do this in order to get through your daily life. However, trying to "push it all away" and acting like "nothing happened" is a lot to expect from yourself. You have been through an experience that can shatter basic assumptions that we all take for granted, including assumptions about trust, safety, and our ability to control our worlds. It may be helpful to know that you don’t have to face it all at once. You can take a middle road, allowing yourself to deal with the thoughts and feelings about what happened in small pieces, at a pace that you control.

A counselor who has special training and experience working with sexual trauma can be extremely helpful. Give yourself a break, you don’t have to do this alone. Talking with a supportive person may help you to understand and cope with the feelings and thoughts you are having. Some survivors find it helpful to share with others who have been through a similar experience. Please call the Butler County Rape Crisis Program or the national hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE for help locating resources.

Expect that you may be bothered by uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. Remember, these thoughts and emotions are normal reactions to a physically and/or psychologically traumatic event. Remind yourself that post-trauma effects are normal as the body, mind, and spirit recover from what has happened. Give yourself time and space to work with these thoughts and feelings. With healthy coping skills, these will lessen and fade away. If you feel overwhelmed, reach out for help.

Spend time with loved ones and others who care about you. Be with people who love you and want to support you in healthy ways. Seek out comfortable friends, those with whom you can safely "be yourself", even if "yourself" feels awful. Stay connected with people who care about you. Resist isolating yourself.

Avoid the overuse of alcohol or other mind-altering substances to numb post-trauma effects. It really won’t make the pain go away for long, and will usually produce more problems than solutions. Alcohol and drugs can actually make you more depressed, and more anxious.  They can also decrease the quality of your sleep. Good quality sleep (which is different than "passing out" from alcohol or drugs) promotes healing. Our bodies and minds have an amazing natural ability to heal. We can promote this natural resiliency by healthful self-care. Again, try to accept that you will probably be experiencing some uncomfortable thoughts and feelings for a while. It is OK to ask for help. Talking with supportive others such as friends, family, victims’ advocates and counseling professionals will promote recovery. Find people who are concerned, trustworthy, understanding, and encouraging. It can be especially helpful to talk with others who have been in similar situations. Agencies and counselors may offer special groups for survivors. Talking about feelings is never easy, but it can be a key to healing, no matter how long ago the violence occurred. Many survivors find that they feel better if they have the opportunity to freely and confidentially discuss any problems or emotions they are experiencing. Seek medical assistance if physical symptoms persist.

Your family and friends may struggle with similar feelings as you. They may mistakenly blame you or themselves for the assault. They may believe not talking about it will make the feelings go away. If the person with whom you choose to talk is not supportive, seek out someone else. If the unsupportive person is a spouse/partner, family member, or close friend, education may be helpful. Sharing literature about sexual assault or inviting family members to accompany you to a counseling session may help. Invite them to read the our web page for family and friends, How to Help.

It is often the case that survivors don’t seek help for many years after the violence, for lots of valid reasons. It is never too late to heal from a sexual assault. Individuals who seek help even many years later can experience significant relief from depression, anxiety, and fears that can persist for years following unresolved sexual assault.   If you are still hurting, or what happened to you is impacting your life in a negative way, please reach out and get help.  It really is possible to heal from sexual assault.