How to Help

Sexual assault can have a significant impact on those who are in any type of close relationship with a survivor, producing confusion and many emotions for significant others. It is painful to think about someone we love being harmed in this way. If someone you love has been the victim of sexual violence, there are a number of things you can do to help with the healing process. Although you may naturally tend to focus on the survivor, it is also important that you deal with your own thoughts and feelings about sexual violence so that you can be most supportive. You may experience intense reactions due to your caring for the survivor. Just as the survivor’s greatest task is self-care at this time, you will also need to find ways to take care of yourself.

To be truly supportive to the survivor, you will need to respond to the feelings that the assault raises for you. It is important to be willing to face your own fears and prejudices about sexual violence and to have accurate information. Our culture holds a lot of myths about sexual assault that can greatly impede the healing and recovery of both the survivor and their loved ones. Reading other parts of this web site may help.

Sometimes people believe that the best way to deal with a crisis is to deny it. You may find yourself saying, "don’t worry/don’t cry/don’t think about it." Such reactions can make the survivor feel unheard, and denial may not a helpful response for many reasons. Sexual violence is significantly stressful; to imply that it isn’t or shouldn’t be is disrespectful and discounting to the survivor. And, this attitude can create more problems than it resolves. Allow your loved one to have their emotional reactions.

Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is to simply LISTEN. You do not have to (and probably cannot) "fix it". This can be difficult as it is never easy to witness the pain of a loved one. Yet often being a supportive witness to that pain can help empower the survivor because you demonstrate that regardless of what happened you still accept and love them even with their reactions. If you can bear it, i.e. hearing about what happened and being with them and their reactions, maybe they can also.

Do recognize your own limitations, and if it is too much for you, seek help from someone trained in counseling survivors of sexual violence. This is not a failure on your part. If the survivor becomes actively suicidal or physically self-destructive, seek professional help immediately to keep them safe.

Men and women often react differently to the assault of a loved one. Husbands, fathers, brothers, boyfriends may react initially with anger and a desire for revenge. They may blame themselves, out of the desire to have been a "better protector", and to defend against their own feelings of helplessness. Acting on these reactions may not be helpful to the survivor. The survivor needs you to be safe, reasonable, and supportive, in order to assist them to take the steps necessary to heal and recover.

Female friends and family members may have their own strong reactions of fear and vulnerability to hearing about the violence and may consciously or unconsciously send the survivor the message to "not talk about it". It is important to be aware of your own reactions. It is also important that the survivor, as much as possible, has the power to make his or her own decisions in the aftermath of the assault.

The survivor may react towards you in confusing ways. They may seem very "unlike" themselves for awhile. Know that the individual that you love has been deeply affected by this experience, and it will take a while for them to sort through their thoughts and emotions. Being the victim of sexual violence can lead us to have many questions about our ability to trust others and ourselves. This struggle with being able to trust can impact many of our relationships. Reading the other sections of this website directed to the survivor may help you to better understand the trauma and aftermath of sexual victimization; and be more helpful to your loved one.

Helping your loved one to regain a sense of control over her or his life can be very important. It is not unusual for survivors to struggle with making even small decisions after an assault. Give your ideas but allow them to make their own decisions even if they struggle. It is an important step towards healing from violence. It also is important that the survivor believe that you trust him or her to make his or her own decisions. It is especially important that the survivor make her or his own decision around whether or not to report the assault to law enforcement. You can provide your thoughts about this and then let her or him choose the path. Going through the law enforcement investigation and the criminal justice system can take a long time, be very stressful, and ultimately may not result in a conviction. The system is not perfect. The survivor must be the one to decide what is right for him or her.

Sexual assaults can occur under circumstances where the survivor may have been involved in activities or behaviors that others may question or even disapprove of (use of alcohol or drugs, going to unknown places, not locking the doors, fighting back, not fighting back, etc.). Please remember that a decision to participate in any of these behaviors is never the "cause" of a sexual assault.  Your loved one may have made decisions which put her or him in a vulnerable situation.  However, it is not the survivor's fault that someone else chose to take advantage of that vulnerability to commit a violent crime.  Sexual assault is always the responsibility of the perpetrator. Poor judgment or risky behavior does not warrant becoming a victim of violence, or give someone else the right to rape. Remember that breaking rules and testing boundaries are common behaviors, especially for teenagers. Often, trying to place the "cause" of the assault on something the victim did or didn’t do is our attempt to maintain the illusion that we can be in total control over our life. We like to believe that as long as we never make a poor judgment, we will always be safe. Certainly, trying to be aware and careful goes a long way towards safety, but sexual violence is never an appropriate consequence for making a mistake. The perpetrator chose to commit an act of great physical and psychological harm towards another human being in the most violating and degrading way possible. That is the responsibility of the perpetrator, and they need to be held accountable.

Being the victim of or witness to violence is a significant life stressor. All significant stressors require that people change and adapt towards regaining life balance. The changes you see in your loved one and in your relationship may be difficult. It may seem that it takes a long time for the survivor and the relationship to find a new, comfortable balance. Have patience and know that you and your loved one do not have to do this without some guidance. You are not alone. Thousands of survivors and their families heal and recover from sexual violence, and there are skilled supportive services available. You will find referral sources at the back of this booklet.

Being a victim of sexual violence may affect feelings about sexual intimacy for some time after the incident. Sexual contact can stir up feelings and reactions for victims, which are related to the violence. If you are the sexual partner of the survivor try to have patience. The survivor may desire little or no physical contact for a while or may wish to limit contact strictly to demonstrations of affection. Remember, the survivor lost the power to control what happened to them during the sexual violence. They need to regain their confidence in the ability to have physical control over their body.

It is important to recognize the possibility of temporary change in an intimate relationship, due to the effects of the assault. It is often a part of the healing path following a sexual assault. Remember that although some things may change for your partner and your relationship for a while, most survivors recover from the trauma of sexual violence and re-establish loving intimate relationships.